How to have a day in France with some mates

How to have a day in France with some mates, enjoy some good roads, a fine lunch and then get caught in some amazing weather conditions…

• Meet at appointed time for departure from Jct 28 of M25 (Brentwood) at 6am or  correspondingly earlier at Waterworks Corner (A406).
• If you are Club Sec. you may vary these rules by 1) Arriving late at both RVP’s  & 2) Choosing the stupidest way to Brentwood ever conceived for an early Sunday morning -  when what would normally be a 15 minute blast turns into a 30 minute pile of frustration.
• Suffer insults from young lad complaining that if we’d taken the M25 we’d be there by now…
• Suffer ignominious insults from all mates who been waiting so long they fell asleep
• Be last one to set off as have to batten down the hatches on all the wet weather gear knowing full well that it’ll be dry all the way down to Dover
• Wait for young lad who might get lost just pulling out of service station onto M25 and finding everyone else in group almost at Dartford Crossing.
• Immediately get overtaken by lad who you waited for so now you are last and wonder if you’ll ever catch up.
• At Dartford sail through toll booth and find everyone else was held up in slow lane.
• Have hearty laugh as now in front
• Have palpitations as worried about missing turnoff to M20 for Dover as last trip on bike created hysterics amongst others when you fail to turn off until last micro-second…
• See one of the Blackbird riders pull over to take wrong exit off m-way with crap excuse later that i-Pod was playing up
• Arrive Dover where we all fill up – only some don’t need it (remember this bit later)
• On ship ratchet down the strap holding your bike fast and head for food court to take advantage of 2 mega farmhouse breakfasts for the price of 1.
• Make sure all parties have a partner for the 2-4-1 deal.
• Feel well chuffed no one missed out.
• Take pee out of hapless chum who foolishly trusts rest of table with his wallet when he leaves to get paper napkins – say no more
• Head for liquor shop to redeem voucher for  freecase of  6 bottles of Red for daughter’s birthday party.
• Reprimand one of the group for asking cashier about being able to redeem his voucher on way home despite having told everyone “ad nauseum” that it was not possible to collect on return journey. “If you don’t ask – you don’t get!” he said knowingly but not so wisely as in the event  he forgot to redeem and consequently missed  his booze.
• Candidate for “Knob of the day” award was now all sorted…
• Briefly assemble troops after brief unloading from boat for brief  briefing after checking briefs were on properly
• Set off down coast road to Boulogne.
• Enjoy lovely ride in the dry (very important component) with stunning views over your right shoulder of the White Cliffs of……(fill in blank). Blue sky and fluffy white clouds are required for this otherwise you can’t see anything over the water.
• Further enjoy no mishaps up to where all gather in Old Town for leg stretch and check bottles in top boxes and panniers are all in one piece.
• Have a giggle at Keith arguing with a local lady Frog who claims he nicked her parking spot despite the fact that there’s more than enough room for everyone in the square that wants to park there.
• See the effect a broken bottle of red has on Keith’s V5 registration form, carry bag and his demeanour.
• Set off for Le Touquet – great roads – “Libertee Egalitee Fraternitee (Freedom, equality, Brotherhood). 
• Immediately lose two riders who shoot off to “play together”
• With all that freedom and shit only realise you left another two riders behind when you were debating how to get back on the road you were on before you turned off to where you are now !
• Arrive destination in good time and park outside posh casino – walk into town with the laziest complaining that even a walk across the road to the pavement is a bit  of a struggle.
• Meet first two who ran off – and proceed to good restaurant where all is in order.
• Wait for final two guys who turn up with stories of heading up and down a motorway for most of the time until they realised that French people don’t generally speak Flemish – then headed  back the way they came – No Harm Done !
• Enjoy meal and be amazed when everyone chips in the right amount for what they had, including a good tip for excellent service.
• Enjoy many (figuratively speaking) pats on back for good choice of restaurant
• Eventually head back to Calais in bit of a hurry as time presses on for early-ish departure
• Wait for those that need a fill up because they didn’t bother in Dover after being told expressly to fill up in the UK as prices were high in France.
• Secretely have a laugh at them having to shell (pun) out more than you did on petrol
• Find you blasted up French Autobahn (?)  so quick you’re now a bit early for the ferry plus the boat is delayed
• Whilst waiting you encounter the perfect storm and scrabble for wet weather gear whilst avoiding the gaze of car drivers wondering what the hell you are doing in the pouring rain and strong winds
• Find rain has ruined your little handlebar tag allowing you onto boat and you are forced to undress to satisfy the man with the clipboard that you are not a saboteur and do not have a plot to destroy one of P&O’s ferries by getting your proper ticket out.  The fact that you wouldn’t be at the front of the queue unless you’d already shown all the required documents is wasted on this sadist.
• Dry out on boat
• Dress up in wet weather gear in case you get hit with storm on return leg up from Dover
• Top up at garage in Dover (exactly 12 hours after you did the same thing on the way out ). Spooky! (you can see the receipt to prove it)
• Make sure well protected against possible inclement weather on way home
• Grateful had foresight to be well protected when storm hits hard on M20 about 40 miles from Dartford.
• Pass your mates who pulling over as not happy riding in wet clothes and finding visibility absolutely atrocious
• Wait for young lad for homeward journey to north side of Thames crossing and get home 25 mins later
• Arrive home well knackered, all bottles intact - you bone dry inside waterproofs praising brilliant “Rain–Off” (New Zealand made) over-gloves for their effectiveness
• Job Well Done
• Pour yourself large single malt - catch up on day’s events – peg out on sofa